Last night I was watching a surprisingly good movie… surprising for three reasons… 1) I’d never heard of it, 2) the biggest name actor in the movie was the mom from Gilmore Girls, and 3) something about the cover and the title looked “typical.”  Also curious, it seemed fairly mainstream for a Sundance Film Festival flick.   It’s called The Answer Man and is really quite funny/clever with a lovable cameo from the guy who played “Buster” in Arrested Development.

Anyway… the premise is this… Arlen Faber, author of the book ME & GOD, while his book is wildly successful cornering 10% of the God market, he himself is a crotchety, angry, middle-aged man still searching for meaning and cornering himself off from civilizational as much as possible in his deceased father’s downtown Philadelphia townhome.  He meets Elizabeth after crawling on all fours into her chiropractic business.  In trying to woo her and through a relationship painfully forged with Chris, the book store owner down the street, he begins to soften, get out of his head, reconnect with people and admit his faults…

ok, so that was a fairly awful synopsis, however… hopefully you get the picture enough to understand the context about what I really want to share from the movie.

The book store owner works out a deal with Arlen… he will take 5 of his books in exchange for every 1 answer to his questions about life.  The questions and answers given really touched me.  Especially the first, as it encompasses the exact question I was living in at the moment I turned the movie on… here it is…

Chris: “Why can’t I do the things I want to do.  There’s so much I know I’m actually capable of and I never do them.  Why is that?”

Arlen: “The trick is to realize that you’re always doing what you want to do.  Always.  Nobody’s making you do anything.  Once you get that you see that you’re free and life is really just a series of choices.  Nothing happens to you.  You choose.”

This answer really made me pause and reflect… “I’m right where I want to be in this moment?”  And then image of a villain in an old western played in my head saying “I’ve got’cha right where I want’cha!”  Could this be true?  Could I have myself right where I want myself?

Part of the reason I’ve been MIA from Blogland the last two months is that I’ve really been exploring the options of “what’s next?” in my life.  Where am I going from here?  What career path should I pursue?  What will meet all of my needs both now and in the future?  Should I be a life coach? a therapist? a writer? a documentarian? a Real Charlotte Housewife? or keep doing what I’m doing?

Often while exploring these questions I honored how good I’ve got it now… how much Freedom, Ease and Abundance I now enjoy and at the same time recognizing that I also have needs for Purpose, Meaning, Contribution, Respect, Appreciation, and Mutuality that maybe aren’t currently being met as much as I’d like.  My problem, as I saw it, was stemming from the fact that I couldn’t see or imagine how to meet ALL of those needs at the same time… it seemed in order to pursue the missing ones, I might create stress or financial strain, or difficulty with scheduling and therefor inhibiting both mine and Sean’s sense of Freedom, Ease and Abundance.  I simply couldn’t settle for that… I meditated, searched, and worked on it with my life coach in order to see a way to have it all… and in the meantime, I was going to do my best to sit tight and appreciate what I’ve got.  So this answer… “what i’ve got is exactly what I want” was a curious suggestion to me.  Could it be, that somehow, right where I am is meeting all my needs?

The entire movie reminded me so much of the Conversations with God book series, that I decided to go pull the two I have off the shelf and read them before bed.  I settled on Friendship with God and flipped open to a page that seemed perfect, of course!  (I love doing that and it happens to me all the time!)   I read from page 104-117, and here’s a quick excerpt from the beginning of that section:

from Friendship with God (pages 104 – 107) – (God’s words are italicized)

“And has that been so bad for you?” (I heard this as a question of, is where I am right now been so bad for me?  my answer was “no” and Neale Donald Walsh’s response was “no” as well, with some elaboration, which led to a question from him and the following dialog.)

So tell me, how can I learn to trust?

By not having to.

…

Help me here.

If I don’t want or need anything from you, do I have to trust you for anything?

I suppose not.

You are correct.

So the highest level of trust is not having to trust?

You are correct again.

But how can I get to a place of not wanting or needing anything from You?

By realizing that it’s already yours.  That whatever you need is already yours.  That even before you ask, I will have answered.  Therefore, asking is not necessary.

Because I don’t have to ask for what I already have.

Exactly.

But if I already have it, why would I even think I needed it?

Because you don’t know you already have it.  It is a matter of perception. (This aligns with ACIM)

Do You mean that if I perceive that I need something, I do?

You will *think* that you do.

But if I think that God will meet all my needs, then I will not “think that I do.”

That is correct.  That is why faith is so powerful.  if you have faith that all your needs will always be met, then technically, you have no needs at all.  And this is the truth, of course, and it will become your experience, and so your faith will be “justified.”  Yet all you will have done is change your perception.

What I expect is what I get?

Something like that, yes.  Yet the true Master lives outside the space of expectation.  He expects nothing and desires nothing more than what “shows up.”

Why?

Because he already knows he has everything.  And so he happily accepts whatever part of Everything it is that shows up in any particular moment.

Wow… all my needs ARE met… just my perception is off.  So as spoken about in Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love, the only prayer I ever need is, “God, I need a miracle,” which is a shift in perception, in essence saying, “God, please help me see this differently… help me see the Truth here.” 
So let’s do it…  “God, I need a miracle.  Help me see the Truth in my life that all my needs for Freedom, Ease, Abundance, Purpose, Meaning, Contribution, Respect, Appreciation, Peace, Beauty, Love, Mutuality and any others I can think of ARE all met, right here in this now moment.  I accept that what is now, is what is best for me now, otherwise it wouldn’t be here.  I move beyond trust and into knowing that I am safe and free and encouraged to be myself.  And so it is.”

To be continued…

Truthfully I’m so grateful for all the changes, shifts, progress, challenges, failures, digressions, detours and conduits that have transpired since recent ambitious undertakings like To Be Lists and New Years Resolutions.  I know tomorrow after a good nights rest and a solid meditation, I’ll be refreshed and ready to pound the spiritual growth pavement again… yet in this moment I’m hearing the phrase “Enough already!” (a theme from this weekend’s Embodying the Trancendence Workshop) in a whole new light.

On Saturday, during the fantastic voyage of spinal alignments, breathing exercises and journaled reflections in the company of some really amazing people, that phrase meant… “I’m not lowering my standards ever again!  I’m standing in my power! I’m anchoring my courage!  I’m becoming the woman I am meant to be… I deserve it! God deserves it! and the world deserves it! Amen, Sister!” It was about the fact that playing small and selling out is a disservice to my fellow humans who are also wanting to come into their own, acknowledging that my playing small enables others to also zone out in front of the tube an with some tasty beverages and sweets.  It was about the fact that I believe God lives through me and each one of us and shouldn’t I show God a good time? Give God the best possible life experience I can muster?  Yeah!  why not?!   And yet, tonight… it has more of a tone of “Enough already… I’ve read 341 books, and attended 24 trainings and workshops, and listened to 1567 hours of motivational talks, and tried meditation rather unsuccessfully at least 55 times, and I’m doing the yoga and trying tai chi and practicing peaceful communication, and I created the dream boards and said the affirmations and drank the potion and learned reiki and received the treatment and got the certification… and… and… and “… when will it be enough?  When will i get to the proverbial “there?”  NEVER!

ah,… what a sad story.  But according to Abraham-Hicks, I’ll never get it done and I’ll never get it right and that’s the point.  There is no “right,” there is no “finish line.”  So I might as well buckle up, forgive myself and enjoy the ride.  So how exactly do I relish in the joy of, as they put it, ‘shooting off of rockets of desire’?… enjoying the process of discovering new things I want AND feeling appreciative of where I am right now and all that I’ve accomplished so that I don’t burn out?

I think it has something to do with what I learned at Cuong Nhu practice today… after each block and hit, I was encouraged to relax to conserve energy.  When I asked for an example, my teacher said, “think about when you catch something… a ball or a falling object… you react quickly and once you’ve caught it, your muscles relax.”  Mastering this skill of relaxing between each movement was supremely challenging for me and with all that building tension, I kept tiring out and feeling the burn big time.  Perhaps this is happening on a psychological level, too, where I’m receiving (catching) all these messages/desires/goals and yet, I don’t pause to relax with each achievement before already setting my eye on the next ambition.  And I am recognizing that this is quite the change from 4 weeks ago when my biggest complaint was feeling paralyzed by overwhelment… I’ve gone from a psychological paraplegic to a triathlete in 28 days…. so “Enough Already!” with the “I’ll be perfect tomorrow” bull malarkey… Time to relax, acknowledge my progress and find that happy medium… again.  And then master the art of relaxing between each step, on and off the mat.

My teacher also talked about reacting to the stimulus (him calling out the command) at the moment it happens, as opposed to being on guard all the time and trying to predict when the next stimulus would be, another energy waster.  In practice today this looked like him getting into a rhythm and then breaking the pattern and me punching the air without the command.  Each time I “dratted” myself, stomped the ground in protest for my flub, and then returned to the position I had abandoned, smiling and laughing as my teacher patiently waited for me to continue.  I know with practice I will one day (maybe tomorrow, haha) be in that zen place of relaxed awareness and capable of reacting at a moments’ notice with total consciousness to whatever is requested of me… wouldn’t it be nice to experience that psychologically, too?  It feels like it’s about trusting myself to react appropriately in any given situation without posturing… something I spend quite a bit of time doing in my quest for perfection.

With all this work, what I really want in this moment is the peace of self-acceptance (relaxing) lovingly balanced with my commitment to live my best life possible (responding) one moment at a time. 

To fill you in, I signed up for a 3-month-long Ongo several weeks ago given by Catherine Cadden and Jesse Wiens… two of my favorite NVCers.  With that we have daily practices Monday – Friday, weekly group meetings over the phone on Sunday evening, a practice buddy and monthly  one-on-one calls.  We are entering week 3 now and I must say, I’ve very pleased with my decision to be a part of this.

Today’s exercise was perfect for solving my perfectionistic tendency dilemma.  They suggested after meditation, to take a look at my to do list and then next to each item connect with the need that I would like to BE next to it.  I know, I know, this is exactly like what I said before… but for whatever reason, it didn’t sink in until today.  I really like the phrase, “how do I want to be, while I do _______” and I like the practice of connecting with my ‘beingness’ choices, right before ‘doing’ each task… that’s the gift of having them right next to each other.  Here’s a peek at today’s To Do and To Be lists….

The universe is a stage.  Your mind dances with your body, guided by your heart.

Mmmm, mmm, mmmm.  That’s some yummy tea with a side of happy thoughts.  This is why I love Yogi Teas!  If you haven’t tried them yet, they are the fortune cookie of teas!  Most of their ingredients are organic and they are herbal remedies in nature.  I love how good I feel when i nurture whatever need is alive in me at the moment by selecting one of these yummy helpful teas to drink instead of eating a cookie!   They’ve got one for everything!  Kava for relaxation, Ginger for digestion, Peach for Detox, Echinacea for Immune Support, and the list goes on.  Yea! for little bits of self-care!

Yourtobelist.com is a great example of this.  During a recent coaching session, my client mentioned something her professor said to her.  He said something to the effect of, “My life became a lot easier once I got clear on my values and created a list of how I wanted to BE in the world.”  We both contemplated the potential power of a “To Be List”… after the call, I searched the web and found Lauren & James and their website, blog and book Your To Be List.  One of the things I like most about this website is the thought and effort put into creating motivational pieces with video, found in the About YTBL section of the website.  Just from watching the two videos I get an good idea of what they are suggesting and can move forward inspired and ready to make a significant shift in my life.

So far my To Be List has take two forms… a 12 Commandments type theme of non-negotiables and ideals I still haven’t achieved but know I will in time… and then a looser, cleaner form focused on feelings and needs… connecting with the present moment, recognizing what feelings and needs are alive and what desires I have from there… and then asking the question, “who do I need to BE right now to achieve my desired outcome?” similar to what is described on YTBL website.

I’m finding with my 12-Commandments-style list that there is a tricky balance between wanting to rise to the occasion and being discouraged, because I have so far to go until I live up to my high standards.  They sometimes feel like ‘shoulds’ instead of personal choices.  Maybe I should refer to them as the 12 suggestions, and that would lessen my resistance?  I’m not sure… but it does feel good to write down a list of who I would BE if I were perfect and could change direction on a dime.

Do you have a To Be List?  Share it here to inspire others!

1) It’s Easy -  For whatever reason I find it so much easier to send notes to people via the web instead of handwriting it.  However, there is something that’s missing in an email or e-card.  This website is the perfect balance as it looks handwritten and yet I can type, spell check and share it with multiple viewers.  It’s also easy for the recipient.  I’ve sent it to people who are technically challenged and they have easily opened their thank-yous from me and have very much appreciated the card.

2) It’s Beautiful – As someone who has worked in the stationery industry, the visual, tactile elements are beautiful and the designs are very classy.  Think Cranes stationery only electronic.

3) It Saves $$$ – The” stamps” and “coins” are much more reasonably priced than actual stamps and high-end cards.

4) It Saves the Planet! – by sending notes electronically, you’re saving stamps, paper, printing and ink which saves trees and other natural resources.  Sure, it’s just one note… but I’ve already sent 15 notes in a few months and over the course of a year that might become 60 notes a year, and imagine I use this for 20 years, then we’re looking at 1200 notes… and I’m just one person.