day 50 – And We’re Back!!! (June 2, 2008)

November 25, 2008 at 4:04 am Leave a comment

After many requests to bring back the blog… I have carved out some time to resume my writings and fill in the missing pieces.   I have been keeping a journal during the trip so this should be quite easy.

It’s coincidental that today, the day I had scheduled to return to the blog, was the day I received my first and only negative reaction to a previous entry.  The gentleman that I mention in the Leaving Las Vegas blog recognized himself in my story and felt very hurt by my comments.  Hurting him or anyone has never been my intention, so I’d like to issue a clarifying retracting statement here.

The blog talks mostly about how awkward I felt in the situation and was meant to draw attention to my “fish out of water” experience… little girl from the south is rudely awakened to the difference in how things are in the wild west.  This encounter was not the only time an acquaintance I met suggested an affair, even after i let them know I was married.  I’ve actually experienced this situation four or five times.  So its definitely a cultural thing out here and has nothing to do with any particular individual.  Maybe its because I look young… maybe its because I make direct eye contact and smile… maybe its because most people out hear wait much later to get married and so they don’t have the habit of checking the left hand before flirting with a woman.  Some of the individuals seemed to have self-destructive tendencies, one claiming to love drama, but with the person I blogged about, he seemed more centered in it being a spiritual evolution to be free to love many people.  So as much as its not a path that would be healthy for me, I honor that it seems healthy for him.  And after his voice message and text message apologizing and expressing his disappointment that I felt that way, it is obvious that it was not his intention to make me feel uncomfortable.   So I apologize to the individual and I hope he understands that I honor his choices and I appreciate his respect of my choices in return.

One of the things I’ve been praying about out here is learning how to step into my authentic power.  By this I mean learning to feel rooted in my convictions, while staying open, which will allow me to respect myself while respecting others.  Somehow this trait has escaped my training until now and it feels so foreign to me that I didn’t even know where to begin.   I seem so easily swayed by other’s opinions and moved by their emotions that I feel as if I’m out of control of my own experience.  So by stepping into my own power means to me that I will regain control over my experience while still remaining lovingly connected to others.

What this situation has brought to my awareness is how stepping into my power could have prevented it all together.  What if in the early stages of the conversation I had simply said, “this topic is making me uncomfortable and it’s my intention to be respectful of myself and my marriage.  Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?” Non-judgmental and honest.  In the past I have always valued being agreeable and accepting of all people.  And I feared being confrontational.  I did this by being kind and respectful in person, and then assessing what I really felt later, often keeping it to myself.  What this approach manifested in this situation and probably in many others, was a slight feeling of inauthenticity which is the opposite of what I want to be.  I was honestly cool with the guy living however he wanted to live, but because I never conveyed how his approach toward me was making me feel, I wasn’t revealing the whole truth.  This leaves me wondering, if I can’t be authentic with people, if I can’t be real… what’s the point?  Why would anyone trust what’s coming out of my mouth once they discover that a completely different thought process might be going on in my head.

Due to this realization I’m committing to myself in this moment that I will begin practicing saying exactly what I think.  By doing this, I will unprogram my belief that honest comments are brutal and reprogramming that they can be loving.  I will learn that even when I don’t agree with someone, and I express it, my natural loving approach will honor both of us.  And most importantly I will be standing in my own power.

Step one.  Consciously and lovingly say what I mean and mean what I say.  Done and done.

I’ll keep you posted on any other steps toward authentic power I discover along the path!


Entry filed under: BLISSfix Roadtrip 2008. Tags: , , .

day 49 – Life Visioning (June 1, 2008) day 50 – Do I Love Myself? (June 2, 2008)

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