day 50 – Do I Love Myself? (June 2, 2008)

November 25, 2008 at 4:05 am Leave a comment

Its an odd question, to which an immediate answer arises… well, sure.  “But do I really?” the voice within insists.  Do my actions toward myself match the actions toward someone I love?  That results in a far less speedy response.

I sometimes have to coax myself into giving myself things I want and often feel guilty for spending money on myself and doing things just for the sake of happiness.  Just like a middle school boy giving flowers to a girl for first time, I sheepishly walked up to the Ben & Jerry’s today thinking, “i can do this… I can do this… I’ve been good and haven’t eaten a lot of desert on this trip.”  Since when did I get so in my brain about deciding what I can and can’t do for me?

It has something to do with wanting to have a healthier diet, not because I need to loose weight, but just because I’d like to be more conscious about what I put in my body.  And it has something to do with feeling that I’ve been spending a lot of money on this trip and holding my breath a bit hoping that the bank account will replenish itself in time.  The frugal ego within reminds me that these $4 treats add up.

The entire walk home I practiced a phrase “I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”  This is a phrase commonly used with EFT and EMDR… and so I was utilizing the bi-lateral stimulation of walking to drive the message home… but i might as well have been saying “I have a purple foot and a blue hand” over and over… something about it wasn’t ringing true or sinking in.

It seems that loving myself is Step Two in moving into my authentic power… but knowing “how” to do it is puzzling me.  In past workshops I’ve taught people to tell themselves they love themselves in the mirror for 30 days.. and I’ve heard from participants that it helped quite a bit.  But as we teach what we most need to learn… I have found it difficult to stick with a regimen that requires daily attention for a month.

So I guess I’m left to do
the one thing I know to do,
when i don’t know what else to do… write an affirmative prayer.

I know that God is one with everything in the Universe.  Therefor God is one with me and I am one with God.  And with this God power working in, through, and as me, i know that anything is possible.  With this infinite possibility i give thanks knowing that I feel solid about myself as an individual… loving and accepting myself exactly as I am, defending myself with love, knowing that I am safe, supported and cared for in this universe and honoring my needs, desires and wants above all else.  For I know that I am also one with all there is and by honoring myself, I honor the world, as i play a very important part in the whole and by being my true self, I help complete the perfect picture of the world.  I feel so grateful for this awareness and for this deep love I feel from within for myself.  I release this treatment knowing that it returns to me in this now moment manifested for the rest of eternity.  I am one with the spirit, I am only here for god.  I release this knowing it is so.  And so it is.

The part in there about honoring my needs, desires and wants above all else is a giant belief shift for me.  It helps when I imagine a daisy in the field trying to do anything other than be a daisy… trying to fit in with the trees, or trying to help a squirrel carry a nut… we all have our roles and I can now see that its best if I simply follow what makes me authentically happy… which will lead me to my role.

That’s how I explained it to Sean… I tend to take responsibility for everyone’s happiness except my own.  I felt very uncomfortable all day simply knowing that someone was hurting because of me.  When there is conflict in my life, I nervously await its closure, feeling unsafe until its over.  If I analyze that as to where it may have come from… its easy to see that my mom is a pleaser as well and that perhaps she may have developed this habit because of an abusive father.  What I need to realize though, is that scenario was over 31 years ago and its time to realize I’m safe and so is she.  No one is going to hurt us if we take care of ourselves first.  No one is going to physically hurt us if we disappoint them, offend them or upset them.  My life is safe even when misunderstood.

So I now release all beliefs and blocks that no longer serve my evolution into greater consciousness.  I release them and allow the highest and best to flow into my life in such a way that I will be excited and encouraged along this path. and so it is.

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Entry filed under: BLISSfix Roadtrip 2008. Tags: , , .

day 50 – And We’re Back!!! (June 2, 2008) day 51 – Mom’s Arrival (June 3, 2008)

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