day 59 – WWBFN? (June 11, 2008)

November 25, 2008 at 4:26 am Leave a comment

This is the genogram I’ve been working on mapping out my family trea and ancestoral histyory.  I love this place where I’m sitting though.  Its a beautifully restored farm house in Topanga canyon.  There’s something just so innately authentic about the place that I’d like to invite myself to stay forever.

This is the genogram I’ve been working on mapping out my family tree and ancestral history. I love this place where I’m sitting though. Its a beautifully restored farm house in Topanga canyon. There’s something just so innately authentic about the place that I’d like to invite myself to stay forever.

Nope… it doesn’t stand for “What would best friend need” and it doesn’t stand for “What would Bobby Fisher negate?”  To me it stands for “What Would Be Fun Now?”

I have one week left and I decided yesterday morning to make all decisions for the rest of the week based on what would bring me the greatest joy.  I’m here now, might as well make the most of it.  This has been a very interesting experiment because I believe I’m realizing that this is a way of life to be practiced not only at the close of a wonderful journey.  I believe that life is meant to be blissful, and that any pain that pops up is my resistance to the bliss that is naturally there.  So if I pick all my steps based on bliss instead of ‘shoulds’ (I should do this, I should have done that)… I will naturally find myself falling into alignment with my most ideal life.  When I select the outcome of my day through choosing what will be joyful, I step into trusting my inner guidance system (IGS) and I am lead to my destination with ease and grace.  There’s no “I have to make this happen”… its allowing what is naturally trying to express through me to come easily.

Church was amazing tonight.  It began with volunteering beforehand and then running to target to buy some poster board to help my new friend with a project.  He had stated to me that he wanted to have the experience of hugging anyone on the street.  I suggested we start with a baby step of making a Free Hug sign and standing outside of Agape before and after the service.  Today was my last Wednesday here, so it was now or never.  Of course we both had hesitation because its doing something out of the ordinary… would we need to ask permission?  would we be looked at funny?  would it be uncomfortable?  But I checked in with my IGS and it said “All Systems Are a Go!”  I knew it would be fun to have a cute excuse to meet people and embrace them, wishing them well on there day.  So we made the signs, gave the hugs and it was a beautiful experience.  We joined the mediation before the services, gave a few more hugs, then on that high from all the loving energy, proceeded to experience Rev. Michael Beckwith’s sermon on a different level.  Most of the time I am listening as a spectator, writing things down to remember, almost memorizing word for word… but this time I was more of a participant… it was as if I were downloading material from the cosmos along with him.  At one point, I was conversing internally and I heard myself say within, “I get it… it’s about humility… humbleness… humility… being humble.”  and I kept repeating it like that because I was trying to figure out if I was comfortable with the word “humility” because it is so closely related to the experience of being humiliated… and I was trying to find a word that had a different charge… like humble.  Low and behold… within the next four to five sentences, Beckwith said the word humility three times!  So I repeated internally… ok… humility… but what’s the real definition, i wondered… and of course as Spirit always delivers… an answer appear between my own experience and the thoughts pouring forth from Beckwith’s mouth.  This is why I describe it as being a participant because its hard for me to recall what came from within and what came from without, but the results of tonight’s sermon was delightful.  Humility, as I came to see it tonight, is the feeling that follows when you realize that something much greater than you is working in your life, using you to create more good than you ever thought possible.  That moment when I say, thank you God, I handed the reigns over to you, because I never knew I was capable of this.  That moment that I sit back in awe of the miraculous beauty and connectivity of this Universe and all its creations.  So I wrote on the back of my FREE HUG poster, Humility in the Allness.

Another concept suggested in the sermon that struck me and made the back of the poster was the suggest to pray for patience.  How this hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m not sure.  Immediately I was able to say to myself ,“receive patience around the progress mom is making.  Receive patience around Sean and the ways in which he’s moving slower in areas that you are speeding up in. Have patience with yourself as you are learning and growing and changing a lot.  Have patience with the materialization of your dreams, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”  Somehow this one word brought ease to my stature and my breath in a way that the words “I surrender” or “I release” felt like committing to do another thing I didn’t really know how to do.  At Agape we sing this song that says “I forgive me, I forgive me, everything that I’ve been holding onto I let go.  I surrender, I surrender, I’m ready for my change.”  This new word, “patience,” completely changed my experience of this song… “I have patience with myself, i have patience with myself… everything that I’ve been holding onto, I let go, I am patience, I am patience, I allow my change.”  And truth be told, that sense of urgency had already crept back in at midnight PST, causing me to wake my hubby from his slumber to exclaim to him that we BELONG here!!!  Yes, I said it!  We belong here.  This place calls to me like I have never heard the song of my soul been sung.  But on the same token, I let me know that I’m not lifting a finger or forcing a single dime… this place calls to me in such a way that I know its taken care of.  Work will bring us back out here, circumstance will bring us back out here… I mean, it wasn’t my idea to come out here in the first place and here I am!  So the urgency is still there, but now I have a new tool to call to my aid… it is a prayer for patience, which is also a prayer for faith.  Faith that I am safe, that I am guided, that all is well.  And I allow that the rest of the world can open up to me and reveal the ways in which it is like Santa Monica, Agape, and all of California itself.

So as I’m experiencing all this yummy goodness… an announcement is made that Dance Therapy will be held in Room 1 after the service.  I’d just had the realization that I wanted to do something similar, allowing people to express their inner feelings through movement… releasing built up anxiety, fear, aggression, etc. or playing with feelings of creativity, sexuality, love, laughter… whatever.  The point is that all of our emotions get stored in our bodies and we can use our bodies to move those emotions on through and raise our vibration or level of happiness. So i turn to my Free Hug friend and I say “I might go to that” knowing that I can learn from this person already doing what I am thinking about doing.  So we go… and its actually not what I had envisioned at all, however it was fun… so it met my criteria for the day… WWBFN?  But I did acknowledge that perhaps it was phrased as “Dance Therapy” because I was supposed to be there anyway.

So I’m driving home, reeling with energy from the hugs, the mediation, the sermon, and an hour of dancing and I think to myself, “what a waste it would be to take this energy home and not share it.”  Of course my inner critic had to chime in and suggest that I have plenty of food at home, and there’s no reason to go out and spend more at a restaurant.  But the rule is what the rule is, and going to Swingers, a great local diner, was definitely more fun.  There was a parking space right where I expected and i intuitively sat down at the counter.  Next to me was a guy ( drawing a rather amazing picture in a small 4×5 journal.  I began about my set task of writing all of my amazing friends back home who had so kindly put their names and addresses on postcards for me to mail to them on my travels and eventually he said, “Thank you notes?” in a mildly British accent.  As we began talking, and I shared of my journey and Sean’s creative work, I kept finding myself saying things like “its funny you should say that, because…” or “I was just talking to someone about that” and the entire meeting felt divinely ordered… (because it was).  In our short exchange, he not only gave me a very simple way for me to easily make BLISSfixTV an immediate reality, but he also ended up waking me up to the true meaning of creative expression and a re-countable definition of why I love being out here.

There are already a million positive videos on Youtube, but how do you find the positive ones… I can just place them on BLISSfixTV as I get my start, allowing that people can come straight to to get a pick-me-up.  I had been thinking I needed to do all the videos myself or that I needed to find people willing to create original art.  nope… there’s already plenty out there to begin and more will come once I’ve started it.  THANK YOU WILLIAM!
the true meaning of creative expression is when you don’t care about the result… when you could care less about what the critics might say, or whether or not anyone will buy it, applaud it or care… its when you are doing it for the sake of being in the creative moment and once you’re done, you have no use for the final product so you might as well sell it… put it in a gallery or burn it… whatever you do… it isn’t the thing that the artist becomes attached, it is the act for acts sake that is important.  This reminded me of stories that many of the famous artist we know and love threw away their work, not because they weren’t satisfied with it, but because the final product didn’t matter.  It also reminded me of how Joshua ____, the kid that the movie Finding Bobby Fisher was based on, lost his passion for chess when he began playing for someone other than himself, when it became about winning and not about learning, growing and challenging himself.
The reason people go places like LA, NYC, Paris, London, Tokyo to make a living instead of attempting to be a big fish in a small pond is because it is best to surround ourselves with the people we want to be like, because eventually we will become like them.  there used to be a quote from a former teacher of mine that said, “look at your five closest friends and you will see your boundaries.” “We don’t become better at tennis by playing a weaker opponent” William suggested, “we play someone better than us so we can then become better ourselves.”
I’m not saying that our small pond of Charlotte, NC doesn’t have wonderful people… everyone there is wonderful in their own right.  What I am saying is that everyone I’ve met out here has completely blown me away with their level of accomplishment and their way of life… and perhaps its just the people I’m gravitating toward and I can find these people just as easily everywhere else.  The musical talent at Agape is unlike I’ve ever seen… each service is a new musician or multiple musicians.  The other day I met a woman who looked my age, but had the most beautiful home in Topanga Canyon and had lived an amazing life as an architect traveling all over the world designing multi-million dollar buildings… she was now downsizing to take care of herself realizing that the glitz and glamour wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, but still… simply amazing.  She’d also created a movie on cancer and its preventable causes… and she is developing it into a full length feature to benefit children to make healthy choices with their bodies so they don’t experience what we’ve experienced in ignorance.  The guy who gave me these insights was by trade a mathematician, but by hobby he is a musician, actor, screenplay writer, author, artist, designer, and dreamer.  There was nothing this guy hadn’t done and he couldn’t have been more than five years older than me.
It seems that “tinsel town” has become a mecca for big dreamers, and creative expression seekers… and as we know, what we think about, we bring about.  What the difference really seems to be is that here people seem to use their free time creatively, and back home people seem to use their free time behind a TV or a bar.  For those of you in Charlotte reading this… if this doesn’t apply to you, please know that I recognize that in you and that’s why we’re friends… but for those of  you do see the difference I’m talking about, ask yourself these questions:  Are you living a life that fulfills you or are you settling in some way?  Do you love your job?  Do you love your living situation?  When was the last time I did something creative for the sake of doing it?  What did you love doing as a child and when was the last time you did that?  When was the last time you did something either great or small to leave this world a little bit better?  How about starting on one of these things now?

Some of you may not like my accusations of a more complacent lifestyle in Charlotte, and that’s ok.  Its okay because I’m not writing this to make you like me… I’m writing this in the hopes that maybe someone reading this will wake up and realize that they could be happier and start making the steps toward self-actualizing happiness instead of self-medicating with alcohol and brainwashing tv.  Wake up and feel alive again for the first time in years!  You don’t have to come to LA to do it either… you can do it right now!  And its even better if you tell a friend and get them to commit to a creative Friday night with you… something other than beers at Thomas St.  Okay, i love Thomas St. too, so maybe baby step that direction by having juice at Thomas St. and taking a paper and crayons and see how many people you can meet and make smile by drawing them a picture.  Even if your out of practice, I guarantee people will keep a kindergarten quality drawing from a funny, unique, alive individual like you!  Wake up and remember how fun life really is when you’re not buying into the bullhonky!  WAKE UP!  And when you do call me, because I’m going to need help waking up, too!

I love you all… just the way you are… asleep or awake, you are in the perfect place!  Your inner intuitive nudge is telling you what’s next… just listen.


Entry filed under: BLISSfix Roadtrip 2008. Tags: .

day 55 – A Trip to the Getty (June 7, 2008) day 60 – I DO Love Myself! (June 12, 2008)

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