Journal Entry – Enough Already!
Kind of like the “Free Beer Tomorrow” sign, this graphic image I created sums up how I’m feeling tonight… A bit overloaded with the level of self-help I’ve been self-prescribing. At what point does the human potential movement shift from being constructively motivating leading to positive growth into an endless array of products to consume, all promising awakening, yet some how delivering the message, ‘you’re not there, yet”? Clearly, as with everything, there is a balance that must be struck, and I teetered off my personal edge about an hour ago.
Truthfully I’m so grateful for all the changes, shifts, progress, challenges, failures, digressions, detours and conduits that have transpired since recent ambitious undertakings like To Be Lists and New Years Resolutions. I know tomorrow after a good nights rest and a solid meditation, I’ll be refreshed and ready to pound the spiritual growth pavement again… yet in this moment I’m hearing the phrase “Enough already!” (a theme from this weekend’s Embodying the Trancendence Workshop) in a whole new light.
On Saturday, during the fantastic voyage of spinal alignments, breathing exercises and journaled reflections in the company of some really amazing people, that phrase meant… “I’m not lowering my standards ever again! I’m standing in my power! I’m anchoring my courage! I’m becoming the woman I am meant to be… I deserve it! God deserves it! and the world deserves it! Amen, Sister!” It was about the fact that playing small and selling out is a disservice to my fellow humans who are also wanting to come into their own, acknowledging that my playing small enables others to also zone out in front of the tube an with some tasty beverages and sweets. It was about the fact that I believe God lives through me and each one of us and shouldn’t I show God a good time? Give God the best possible life experience I can muster? Yeah! why not?! 🙂 And yet, tonight… it has more of a tone of “Enough already… I’ve read 341 books, and attended 24 trainings and workshops, and listened to 1567 hours of motivational talks, and tried meditation rather unsuccessfully at least 55 times, and I’m doing the yoga and trying tai chi and practicing peaceful communication, and I created the dream boards and said the affirmations and drank the potion and learned reiki and received the treatment and got the certification… and… and… and “… when will it be enough? When will i get to the proverbial “there?” NEVER!
ah,… what a sad story. But according to Abraham-Hicks, I’ll never get it done and I’ll never get it right and that’s the point. There is no “right,” there is no “finish line.” So I might as well buckle up, forgive myself and enjoy the ride. So how exactly do I relish in the joy of, as they put it, ‘shooting off of rockets of desire’?… enjoying the process of discovering new things I want AND feeling appreciative of where I am right now and all that I’ve accomplished so that I don’t burn out?
I think it has something to do with what I learned at Cuong Nhu practice today… after each block and hit, I was encouraged to relax to conserve energy. When I asked for an example, my teacher said, “think about when you catch something… a ball or a falling object… you react quickly and once you’ve caught it, your muscles relax.” Mastering this skill of relaxing between each movement was supremely challenging for me and with all that building tension, I kept tiring out and feeling the burn big time. Perhaps this is happening on a psychological level, too, where I’m receiving (catching) all these messages/desires/goals and yet, I don’t pause to relax with each achievement before already setting my eye on the next ambition. And I am recognizing that this is quite the change from 4 weeks ago when my biggest complaint was feeling paralyzed by overwhelment… I’ve gone from a psychological paraplegic to a triathlete in 28 days…. so “Enough Already!” with the “I’ll be perfect tomorrow” bull malarkey… Time to relax, acknowledge my progress and find that happy medium… again. And then master the art of relaxing between each step, on and off the mat.
My teacher also talked about reacting to the stimulus (him calling out the command) at the moment it happens, as opposed to being on guard all the time and trying to predict when the next stimulus would be, another energy waster. In practice today this looked like him getting into a rhythm and then breaking the pattern and me punching the air without the command. Each time I “dratted” myself, stomped the ground in protest for my flub, and then returned to the position I had abandoned, smiling and laughing as my teacher patiently waited for me to continue. I know with practice I will one day (maybe tomorrow, haha) be in that zen place of relaxed awareness and capable of reacting at a moments’ notice with total consciousness to whatever is requested of me… wouldn’t it be nice to experience that psychologically, too? It feels like it’s about trusting myself to react appropriately in any given situation without posturing… something I spend quite a bit of time doing in my quest for perfection.
With all this work, what I really want in this moment is the peace of self-acceptance (relaxing) lovingly balanced with my commitment to live my best life possible (responding) one moment at a time.
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