Posts filed under ‘BLISSfix Roadtrip 2008’

day 65 – Be That Someone (June 17, 2008)

day64Today was amazing!  (not the first time I’ve written that in this blog, I know)

It was simply lovely waking up in the cushy bed, soft sheets and a sweet hubby next to me.   We packed, left, made a few business decisions, shipped some equipment home to our team in Charlotte and hit the road to the Hoover Dam.  And it was “dam” incredible! 🙂

You’ll be glad to know, Vegas doesn’t have a monopoly on the heat, it was also 111 degrees there and hotter than I’ve ever felt hot before.  When people say it feels like being inside an oven… that’s actually a very good description.  For instance, when my skin touched the concrete wall you have to lean over to see down, there was a slight sizzle noise.   And when I tiptoed to see the water on the other side, I left my black flip flops exposed to the sun for maybe 15 seconds and when I brought my heals back down to meet the earth, the word “Ahhhhh” quietly escaped my mouth.

All that aside, the dam was impressive in size and we had fun imagining boating in the area and noticing the water level markings on the side of the rock walls of the canyon.  We took many photos and headed back toward scenic route 169 that winds around the northwestern edge of Lake Mead toward Utah.

Our camera battery was dead, so we were forced to stay fully present and not hide behind the lens in order to ‘capture’ the moment, but somehow miss it all together.  Perhaps that’s just a pro-photographer thing, or do you know what I mean?  As we drove, we really soaked in the scenery and I did my best to spot any indigenous wildlife.  We listened to Ask and It Is Given: The Processes by Ester & Jerry Hicks and Michael Beckwith’s, Life Visioning.

Eventually I dosed off and woke to Sean turning left into a parking area bordering a natural oasis in the middle of the desert.  There we found the most beautiful spring rising from the earth and a family of five swimming and playing in the water.  From the spring trickled the most delightful sounding brook.  Sean mentioned, “this would be a wonderful place to meditate, “ so I led us down stream away from laughing children until the sound of the brook was all we could hear.  We stood there, soaking in the heat, the sounds, the view, the wildlife and eventually Sean began picking up trash littered about this otherwise pristine earthly haven.  I helped and as we walked back toward the car in search of a trash can, he told me a story from a few months ago:
“I was at Garden Ridge for some reason and I noticed how incredibly dirty their parking lot was.  I thought to myself, ‘someone should really clean this up.’  As I had the thought, I realized that ‘someone’ could be me… but I brushed it off, thinking, ‘nah… why would i clean up this random parking lot.’  As i drove away, I realized that thinking the thought and driving away was worse than not even noticing the solution to the problem at all… so I turned around and cleaned the entire parking lot.  And it was during a period of time where I was challenging myself to do service without seeking to get anything out of it, even praise, so I never really told anyone about it.”

“wow,” I responded.  “That’s awesome.”

He continued to remark that he’d really like that if we both became more like that, simply doing whatever we could, where ever we go, to make the world a better place.  I am 100% game, especially after the success of our Free Hug campaign.  Be the change you wish to see… be that “someone” in your “someone should…” statement.  If the project at hand feels too big, it’s probably just the right size!  Blow your own mind by doing what you didn’t think possible.

After checking out the second spring down the road, we returned  to the original, slipped into our swim suits and hopped into the knee deep water.  The family was gone and we had it all to ourselves and we sat there in the water, mediating and listening to the sounds of the bubbling brook… and comically, also to the sounds of a photographer shooting a naked chick in the stream just below…
sounds like… “spread your legs”
“that’s it”
“now it’s going to be cold when you stand up”
“oh yeah!”
When we walked up, she was in the stream fully clothed, but as I was getting in the pool behind them, I heard him instructing her to go ahead and undress now that the family had left.  Honestly, they both seemed very nice and i did my best to make them feel comfortable assuring them Sean was a photographer too and we’d seen it all.  Somehow we managed to have our romantic spiritual moment, speak to the photographer twice and walk to the car without viewing anything that wouldn’t be ‘G-rated’.  But it was a really funny situation.

Tonight we’re doing it up old-school style in our $39/night Days Inn, sleeping in separate beds for no real reason… other than he’s asleep and I’m still typing.  We’ll see if it lasts… after two months sleeping without him next to me, I’m liking the snuggles quite a bit.  And its time for me to hit the hay!oldschool1

November 25, 2008 at 4:45 am Leave a comment

day 64 – When in Vegas… (June 16, 2008)

Do as the Vegas-ans? 🙂

Well, I didn’t do everything that a Vegas frequenter does, but I did come off my 2 month hiatus from drinking when the hotel we randomly chose to stay at offered to throw in a bottle of champagne if we upgraded to the luxury suite with a jacuzzi.  Ladies and Gentlemen, behold the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in and the experience cost the exact same amount as our recent stay at the Holiday Inn Express directly off the 405 freeway in LA.  As you can see from the above video… double door entry, wide hallway, marble floors, lovely furniture, two bathrooms, jacuzzi and separate marble shower, slippers and robe, cushy bed with brushed cotton sheets, modern decor with beautiful 32-story view of the Wynn and Encore, two tvs, large modern sofa, desk, fridge and last but not least, the above mentioned, free bottle of champagne.  LOVELY!  Can we say, heaven?

As we soaked in the bubbling bath, Sean reported feeling conflicted between valuing these amazing luxuries and being content with a minimalist lifestyle.  I understand what he means and offer that perhaps it’s the balance of being comfortable and at peace wherever you are, whether its in a king’s palace or a paupers hovel.  For the rest of this trip, we’ll probably be staying in more hovel-esque type places, and not because we have to, but simply because we know that by saving there, we’ll feel freer to wander about the country as long as we want.  We may even camp a few times, if we spot a walmart with cheap camping gear.  plus, with this desert heat, we may not need any sleeping bags.  Today’s high was 111 degrees and as we raced to our show, at 9:30pm it was still 105!

I suppose I should conclude the above story and preface the following story with the info that on this adventure across the country, our only intention was to go with the flow and make as few definite plans as possible.  At first we found this to be very challenging, seeing that we plan pretty much everything so as to find the best deals, save money here, and control this situation there… but this was an important experiment to us, so anytime we caught ourselves ‘planning’ we sat down the proverbial map and datebook and asked ourselves “what would be fun now?”  Although we researched prices for hotels to decide when to head that direction, we didn’t commit to one until we got there.  By doing this, we manifested that amazing room.

With this “go with the flow” success under our belts, we made another step in the flow.  We’d already contacted the show we’d wanted to see to inquire about tickets and they had reported that they only had single seats with limited view left.  Slightly disappointed and still wanting to keep our options open, we waited until we got to our room to make a decision.  Decision made, lets order the champagne, snack on fruit and trail mix instead of dining at TAO, make sweet love, relax in the jacuzzi, and then go to the show.  So I called to buy the tickets to LOVE, the Beatles Cirque du Soliel, and low and behold… two seats right next to each other had just opened up and not only were they not limited view, they were possibly the best seats in the house.  When I had been just 6 weeks earlier to the same show, before the show started paparazzi entered shooting the remaining American Idols on this season and they sat in the seats that Sean and I had just purchased for less than the quoted price online.  The seats had speakers in the headrest for perfect surround sound and we were at eye level with the performers just a few feet in front of us.  The 4 main characters walked passed us before the show, and my favorite character stopped in front of us, staring at Sean at first, and then at me, so I offered him my piece of mustard pretzel and surprisingly he took it, and placed the entire large piece in his mouth.  Then he ran off to join the rest of the cast.

Score! yea! go with the flow!  When the show started, both of us were smiling ear to ear with the magic that descended on the crowd as dancing and acrobatic feats took the stage to some of the best music of our time.

After the show was over we wandered through a few casinos, admiring the disney-world-like displays and watching gamblers win and loose it all.

Even after midnight, it was horridly hot outside.  Every time I stepped out of the cool air casino, I’d temporarily forget where we were and subconsciously wonder, “why someone had the heaters on so high!”  I would immediately catch myself in this thought (at least twice) and wonder how I could possibly be thinking that.  My only explanation is that for the last 6 weeks I’ve spent all my time in Santa Monica where the high is 70 and the nightly low is 63 degrees… and the only time you feel heat after dark… especially anything this hot and dry, it must be a heat lamp.

Our biggest shock wasn’t the heat though, it was an insanely offensive odor as we walked outside of Paris Casino & Hotel.  We have no idea what they were doing, but it should have been done at 4am when fewer people were on the street.  It looked like they were using some truck to pump out the septic tank.  The air was thick with heat and the smell of raw sewage… people everywhere were covering their mouths and noses and twisting their faces in disgust.  Blocks away, people were still reacting to the odor and Sean was still making lewd jokes to strangers about his fowl bodily functions… saying “Sorry guys, that as a big one,” as he waived his hand around behind his ass.  Such a comedian.  In his defense, he’d had most of the champagne and a 32 ounce Newcastle… both contributers to the 6th grade humor.  I thought it was funny and in my defense, I’m a lightweight after not drinking anything for 6 weeks.

Regardless, it was a lovely day, a beautiful evening and a great start to our trip.

November 25, 2008 at 4:41 am Leave a comment

day 63 – Turmite Turds (June 15, 2008)

day63The above photo is of termite fecal pellets… I discovered them on the back of the couch without a clue as to what they were.  I began watching the tiny hole covered in them, just above the pile… sure enough, another pellet was pushed out the hole, but by something so small I imagined it must be one leg of a larger insect.  It was so small i could barely see it… imagine an ant’s leg… only white, that’s what this looked like.  It was so exciting to me to see this nature documentary brought to my very living room, that I woke Sean and brought him in to see the show.  As we went through a process of elimination of what the pellets were, perhaps eggs, perhaps wood, we didn’t know… and as Sean had resorted to picking it up with his fingers, I read on Wikipedia that it was termite poop and begin laughing.  Of course this prompted him to throw it at me, and thus we resorted to primate behavior.*  The nature show continues.
*(monkeys throw poop at each other; its a fun game!)

November 25, 2008 at 4:40 am Leave a comment

day 63 – Thank You Agape! (June 15, 2008)

Thank you to all the people who MADE this experience for me.

Miriam and her Folding while Unfolding angels.  You guys were my first experience of serving at Agape and you were a joy to be around every time.  Thank you as well for being so patient with my curiosity about Agape and for all your amazing stories about how you’d found and in some cases, helped create, this amazing spiritual center.   Miriam, your kindness, calmness, groundedness, beauty and humor inspire and elevate me.  I looked forward to our every encounter and couldn’t be more grateful for your support through prayer and knowing my wellness, as well as your creative gifts of quotes and cards.  I celebrate your unexpected acting career that I wish was showcased on YouTube so I could link to it here!   Thank you for everything and I send you all blessings!

Angel – thank you for your enthusiasm around volunteering and your enthusiasm around my ideas for Agape. I’m still holding a space for their perfect unfoldment at the right time.  I truly enjoyed your smiling face and they way you made me feel a part of the greater Agape family every time we spoke.

RayFred I loved spotting your face at Agape and knowing you were the go-to fix-it person on site.  Your hugs are divine and I’ll never forget your story about the dolphins hanging out with you as  you peacefully kayaked in the ocean.  Thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge on the development of Agape and your contribution toward one day having an Agape East Coast!  You are a very talented man and I’m so glad we met!

Pamela You were my first buddy in LA!  Thank you for your friendship and I sincerely wish we’d gotten watch some of our favorite movies together.  I’ve seriously been kicking myself for not thinking of you when Sex in the City was released.  I still haven’t seen it, but I know with our similar taste we both would have loved it.  I send you so many blessings for all the service you bring to Agape to bless you richly in love, prosperity, health and a deep sense of fulfillment!

Sonia – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  I had so much fun talking to you the first time we met and I couldn’t have been more grateful when you offered to get me into your dance classes for free at my local YMCA.  I loved the class and truly regret that our schedules only matched up once.  Thank you so much for your light, your smile, your laughter, your kindness and you love.  You light up the world and I’m so grateful for you!

David, who was the first person to reach out to me asking for assistance in two different ministries… they ended up being my only service involvement and I’m so grateful he provided the doorway in.  Your hugs are perfect and I’m grateful for the tutelage before embarking on my “Free Hug” mission.

Ella – Thank you so much for all the hugs on my last Friday at Folding while Unfolding.  I received more hugs from you in five minutes than I did from an entire congregation of people while holding my Free Hug sign.  I applaud your confidence and awareness of your natural magnificence at such a young age.  It is the truth and I encourage you to embrace that self-love and self-awareness for the rest of your life.  It will serve you well!

Joshua Thank you for our many long talks, for your encouragement and for your validation.  You may think that it was the advice you gave that empowered me the most, but truth be told, it was your positive reaction to the thoughts I offered in response to things you were working on that lifted my spirits and reminded me that I am pretty good at this “coaching thing.”  I so enjoyed the time we spent together and am so grateful for each moment… starting with the first night and our mutual Agape High!  You have marked my experience of this trip more than anyone and I send you so much love and gratitude.

Traci, your words of similar experience marked a huge turning point in this trip, showing me new things to pay attention to in order to achieve what I came her to achieve.  God was talking directly to me through you that night and I’m so grateful we met!  Thank you for your inspiration and your comfort!

Maesyn, your music is simply a-maesyn!  Everyone go check her out online at

Tim, the assistant music director… we never met formally, but you were always there with a kind smile and a “hello.”  I just want to say that I love watching you perform… you get so into the music and the words that I feel it with you!  Our community is blessed to have you and your enthusiasm and I’m so grateful.

Ricky Byers-Beckwith, we will meet one day, I’m sure of it.  I was disappointed to never get to tell you that I currently live in Charlotte, NC, your home town and that I truly love what you and your husband have co-created.  I honor your beauty, your love, your humility, and your bravery.  I don’t know why that word comes up, but it does… you seem very brave.  I love your music and i love you!  Peace and many blessings to you!

And last but not least!  Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith… Thank you for everything.  Thank you for creating something worth setting my ‘life’ on hold for and traveling 3000 miles simply to be in energy of Agape.  I choose to follow your example and place one foot in front of the other until I have a community as full, and vibrant and rich and fertile as yours.  I was lucky enough to hug you after church one Sunday, and I was hesitant to even wait in line to speak with you, knowing you’re constantly bombarded with people… but I thought of the quote, “it’s not the things I did that I regret, but the things I didn’t do” and I wandered your direction.  We hugged, I said “Thank you”,  you touched my face, you said the word “beautiful” and walked away.  I found myself wishing that I could have told you more, explained with enthusiasm how much I love you, your wife and all that you’ve both created… how far I’ve traveled and how excited I am to be a part of this movement, visioning to bring it back to the east coast in a major way.  But instead I simply felt the truth of the statement you are constantly bombarded, I felt your power, and I felt my energy take (receive) from you, instead of give… and that simply broke my heart.  However, a few weeks later I made a “Free Hug” sign and stood outside Agape giving hugs to everyone and I realized that when you’re in high vibration, as you’ve said many times, low vibrations cannot touch you… and there wasn’t a single person I touched, sad or happy that took anything from me… and I knew then, that my concerns about that hug were silly and unnecessary.  Regardless, my message to you is THANK YOU for everything… this has been an amazing two months and it has been extremely hard for me to leave… but I leave with a knowing that I will return and an awareness that this story is only just beginning.  I honor the light that you are and I see true self through your vision.  Peace and Blessings to you!

And thank you to countless others, many of you I never knew your names, you were just a kind face I said hello to regularly… you were the person sitting next to me, behind me, to my front… you were the choir member giving it your all, you were the amazing baby with deep eyes that cut to the soul, you were the belly dancing signer and the practitioners leading mediation, you were the announcers inciting laughter and you were the ushers passing out tissues and the parking angels, you were the guest speakers and surprise appearances, you were the talented guest performers, you were volunteers.  You were all there and you are all here with me in my heart.  I have said many times, that I can take Michael Beckwith home with me through online membership, life visioning and other recordings… but I can’t take this vibrant community with me.  You have set the bar unbelievably high and I know that somehow God will work through me to show me a way to meet this new elevated expectation of what a spiritual community is.  But I love you all and I’m so grateful for the ways in which you are opening, flowering, and growing, and I look forward to expanding with you in spirit.  Thank you.  Peace and blessings, as well!.

November 25, 2008 at 4:37 am Leave a comment

day 61 – My Scarriest Challenge Yet (June 13, 2008)

I’ve driven across the country alone, moved to a city where I don’t know anyone,  and today I chickened out when i challenged myself to enter a skateboard shop and simply ask about skateboarding.  How disappointing! and how funny!?

When it comes down to it, nothing is scarier to me than ‘looking stupid.’  And what exactly do I think will make me look stupid by being a cute girl entering a skate shop, twirling her hair and saying innocently “can you teach me to board?”  Honestly, I knew it would be easy as hell to get a free lesson if I looked cute enough, but I think I was even more afraid of the awkwardness of saying “I’m married, but will you give me a free lesson anyway?”

So now I’m just thinking I’ll try again once Sean arrives… and get him to hold my hand through my curiosity.  Not that he knows how to skate board either, but all I need is someone to catch me if I fall… and I’d rather it be him.

oh, and one last fear… I don’t want to break anything.  I had a friend in high school that broke her elbow in 2 places roller blading and that didn’t look like fun at all!

I don’t know why skateboards have all of sudden caught my attention.  I have had guy friends with skateboards since middle school, but I never wanted to try… the thought never even crossed my mind.

One source of inspiration might have been about 3 weeks ago.  I was sitting in my car outside of Agape getting some work done on the mac with a strong wireless internet signal.  There was a girl about my age receiving lessons on boarding from what seemed like a co-worker.  I wondered if she was learning just for fun, or because she needed to for a part in a movie or show, as she obviously worked for GMT studios.  She was doing well and it seemed fairly easy and fun.  From then on, I started noticing how many young professionals use skateboards to get around here… its easier to carry than a bicycle and it gets you places faster than walking.  Makes sense to me.  I decided after that to offer to pay some kids $20 to teach me.  But I never ran into them again.  I let the thoughts fall away.

Then three days ago on my bike ride with Joshua, we passed a girl who was obviously teaching herself how to board.  She was laughing at a mistake she had made and conversion with the older couple she’d almost run into.  I got stopped at a light and she continued on the sidewalk.

As I passed her a few minutes later I yelled in her direction with a smile, “I want to learn how to do that!”

“Yeah? I’ll teach you!  It’s my second time trying!” she quickly and lightly replied.

Man, I wanted to take her up on it, but Joshua was way ahead of me and I was only at the beginning of a scheduled bike ride with him… it felt inappropriate to stop.  So i declined, wished her well and promised myself that one day I’d learn.

I thought my WWBFN theory would have gotten me down the shop already, but it hasn’t so far.

November 25, 2008 at 4:33 am Leave a comment

day 60 – I DO Love Myself! (June 12, 2008)

day60I cannot say enough about Louise Hay’s new movie, You Can Heal Your Life. from this site you can watch it online or buy it on DVD through Amazon.

I bought this movie a few months ago, and every time I re-watch it, I’m at a new consciousness level and different aspects stand out to me.  Today I paid a lot of attention to the affirmations they encourage.  One lady mentions that she does her affirmation like reps in a gym, instead of lifting weights, she’s repeating the words.  I remembered having done that once while exercising.  Saying half the affirmation silently with the inhale and lift, and the other half, with the exhale and release.  I remembered it working well, so I set out for a brisk walk and an intention to heal.

There is a part in the movie that I had been drawn to where the main character grows to a space where she’s ready to say “I love myself, therefor I take loving care of my body. I love myself, therefor I treat everyone I meet with love and kindness…”  After this series of “I love myself, therefor” statements, she experiences real transformation.  I decided I was ready for this.  I’d been contemplating this question of “do I love myself” for over a week and I was starting to hear an answer of “Yes.”  Now it was time to deepen it.

I love myself, therefor I listen to my inner voice, my intuition.
I love myself, therefor I entertain myself with uplifting media.
I love myself, therefore I do the best i can and then I let go.
I love myself, therefor I exercise to raise my energetic vibration.
I love myself, therefor I say what I mean in a loving way.
I love myself, therefor I invest in transformational healing work and products.
I love myself, therefor I take myself to Agape.
I love myself, therefor I volunteer and give to others because it feels good.
I love myself, therefor I take care of my appearance.
I love myself, therefor I live in a place that makes me feel good.

This continued on and on as I intuitively cut a path through the neighborhood.  Halfway through the walk the path i was on dead ended in front of a statue of a mom, dad, baby and young child.  I didn’t miss the symbolic nature of what I’ve been healing and this coincidental crossing.  I stepped lightly up to the statue, hugged it for about 15 seconds, stepped back and jovially continued on my journey.  I love that I’m free to be a little weird here… there’s an understanding in a large city known for odd behaving people, act however you want, no one you know is going to see you, and even if they did, they wouldn’t judge you for it.

The walk led to the ocean as the sun was setting.  Still repeating my affirmations in my head, smiling and meeting eyes with all passers-by, i turned back toward home. At some point the affirmation became a conversation and a realization of my breakthrough with Joshua last night.  He had said to me, “You always do that.  You’re always able to take it and flip a negative into a positive belief.  It’s great!” and it occurred to me that I had some flip-able beliefs in my life.

Realization 1.  If I believe that all pain is love in disguise and that all things are her for our development and unfoldment, then EVERYTHING in my life is hear to serve me.  So something good, something beneficial has emerged from the attachment ‘disorder’ and the abandonment while in the womb.

Realization 2.  I was reading people’s energy today as I found myself thinking something and seconds later, someone in the room would say that exact phrase.  I was able to read the energy and know what was coming next.  I did this at church Wed. night as well, so this is really happening.  This is a gift, and its important that I see it that way.  Its also important that I learn to be able to tell when it’s my energy that i’m experiencing and when its someone else’s.  I realized that my ill feelings following the volunteer work were because I was still experiencing the fears of the people I had connected with there, because they echoed in me the fears of my mother from before.  In being able to see that it wasn’t my fear, its much easier to release it.

Realization 3.  If this is a gift, how did it come about?  How did I learn to do this?  What if, because my dad left and my mom experienced so much pain in the 8th month of pregnancy, and all those hormones, emotions and experiences pumped into my little fetus body and brain, I learned it was important to read and understand other’s energy because it was going to affect me.  What if he hadn’t left at all, or had waited until I was out of the womb?  Would I still have this ability to read energy?  Would I still be able to relate to others and feel what they are feeling as much as i do now?  Would i be as effective in helping people without this gift?  It seemed that my brain was finally adding up what my soul already knew to be true… I chose this incarnation because of the gifts I would gain from the pain.  I knew that this particular scenario would allow me to grow and develop in a way that would enable me to help others.

Realization 4.  If that was a blessing, then the being alone for the first three days of life must have been a blessing, too.  What have I gained from the attachment ‘disorder?’  All of a sudden I realized that because I distanced myself from others and authority figures growing up, it allowed me to not pattern identically after the people who raised me, but to skillfully select the attributes of each parent and role model in my life, taking what I liked and leaving the rest.  If i had bonded appropriately, it may have been harder for me to strike out on my own path.  I may never have found my current belief system for fear of letting go of my safe and original belief system.  I would not be me, whom I love!!!, and that would be disappointing.

Realization 5.  If both of these served me, it must have been an easy decision for my soul to pick these circumstances as the benefits far outweigh the sacrifice and the sacrifice isn’t permanent!  If I knew the entire story before picking an incarnation, i’d know that in 30 short years, I’d be addressing these things and reversing the adverse effects and embracing the benefits.  What’s not to love about this scenario!?

So with one hour of exercise, a few conscious, earnestly stated affirmations, and an openness to shifting how I look at things, I honed an entire new belief system that is much more supportive, loving and accepting of the way things were… and are now.  i am so grateful for this experience… it didn’t feel like I figured it out, it felt more like it was being explained to me… like I was being cared for by the universe.  It was delightful!

November 25, 2008 at 4:31 am Leave a comment

day 59 – WWBFN? (June 11, 2008)

This is the genogram I’ve been working on mapping out my family trea and ancestoral histyory.  I love this place where I’m sitting though.  Its a beautifully restored farm house in Topanga canyon.  There’s something just so innately authentic about the place that I’d like to invite myself to stay forever.

This is the genogram I’ve been working on mapping out my family tree and ancestral history. I love this place where I’m sitting though. Its a beautifully restored farm house in Topanga canyon. There’s something just so innately authentic about the place that I’d like to invite myself to stay forever.

Nope… it doesn’t stand for “What would best friend need” and it doesn’t stand for “What would Bobby Fisher negate?”  To me it stands for “What Would Be Fun Now?”

I have one week left and I decided yesterday morning to make all decisions for the rest of the week based on what would bring me the greatest joy.  I’m here now, might as well make the most of it.  This has been a very interesting experiment because I believe I’m realizing that this is a way of life to be practiced not only at the close of a wonderful journey.  I believe that life is meant to be blissful, and that any pain that pops up is my resistance to the bliss that is naturally there.  So if I pick all my steps based on bliss instead of ‘shoulds’ (I should do this, I should have done that)… I will naturally find myself falling into alignment with my most ideal life.  When I select the outcome of my day through choosing what will be joyful, I step into trusting my inner guidance system (IGS) and I am lead to my destination with ease and grace.  There’s no “I have to make this happen”… its allowing what is naturally trying to express through me to come easily.

Church was amazing tonight.  It began with volunteering beforehand and then running to target to buy some poster board to help my new friend with a project.  He had stated to me that he wanted to have the experience of hugging anyone on the street.  I suggested we start with a baby step of making a Free Hug sign and standing outside of Agape before and after the service.  Today was my last Wednesday here, so it was now or never.  Of course we both had hesitation because its doing something out of the ordinary… would we need to ask permission?  would we be looked at funny?  would it be uncomfortable?  But I checked in with my IGS and it said “All Systems Are a Go!”  I knew it would be fun to have a cute excuse to meet people and embrace them, wishing them well on there day.  So we made the signs, gave the hugs and it was a beautiful experience.  We joined the mediation before the services, gave a few more hugs, then on that high from all the loving energy, proceeded to experience Rev. Michael Beckwith’s sermon on a different level.  Most of the time I am listening as a spectator, writing things down to remember, almost memorizing word for word… but this time I was more of a participant… it was as if I were downloading material from the cosmos along with him.  At one point, I was conversing internally and I heard myself say within, “I get it… it’s about humility… humbleness… humility… being humble.”  and I kept repeating it like that because I was trying to figure out if I was comfortable with the word “humility” because it is so closely related to the experience of being humiliated… and I was trying to find a word that had a different charge… like humble.  Low and behold… within the next four to five sentences, Beckwith said the word humility three times!  So I repeated internally… ok… humility… but what’s the real definition, i wondered… and of course as Spirit always delivers… an answer appear between my own experience and the thoughts pouring forth from Beckwith’s mouth.  This is why I describe it as being a participant because its hard for me to recall what came from within and what came from without, but the results of tonight’s sermon was delightful.  Humility, as I came to see it tonight, is the feeling that follows when you realize that something much greater than you is working in your life, using you to create more good than you ever thought possible.  That moment when I say, thank you God, I handed the reigns over to you, because I never knew I was capable of this.  That moment that I sit back in awe of the miraculous beauty and connectivity of this Universe and all its creations.  So I wrote on the back of my FREE HUG poster, Humility in the Allness.

Another concept suggested in the sermon that struck me and made the back of the poster was the suggest to pray for patience.  How this hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m not sure.  Immediately I was able to say to myself ,“receive patience around the progress mom is making.  Receive patience around Sean and the ways in which he’s moving slower in areas that you are speeding up in. Have patience with yourself as you are learning and growing and changing a lot.  Have patience with the materialization of your dreams, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”  Somehow this one word brought ease to my stature and my breath in a way that the words “I surrender” or “I release” felt like committing to do another thing I didn’t really know how to do.  At Agape we sing this song that says “I forgive me, I forgive me, everything that I’ve been holding onto I let go.  I surrender, I surrender, I’m ready for my change.”  This new word, “patience,” completely changed my experience of this song… “I have patience with myself, i have patience with myself… everything that I’ve been holding onto, I let go, I am patience, I am patience, I allow my change.”  And truth be told, that sense of urgency had already crept back in at midnight PST, causing me to wake my hubby from his slumber to exclaim to him that we BELONG here!!!  Yes, I said it!  We belong here.  This place calls to me like I have never heard the song of my soul been sung.  But on the same token, I let me know that I’m not lifting a finger or forcing a single dime… this place calls to me in such a way that I know its taken care of.  Work will bring us back out here, circumstance will bring us back out here… I mean, it wasn’t my idea to come out here in the first place and here I am!  So the urgency is still there, but now I have a new tool to call to my aid… it is a prayer for patience, which is also a prayer for faith.  Faith that I am safe, that I am guided, that all is well.  And I allow that the rest of the world can open up to me and reveal the ways in which it is like Santa Monica, Agape, and all of California itself.

So as I’m experiencing all this yummy goodness… an announcement is made that Dance Therapy will be held in Room 1 after the service.  I’d just had the realization that I wanted to do something similar, allowing people to express their inner feelings through movement… releasing built up anxiety, fear, aggression, etc. or playing with feelings of creativity, sexuality, love, laughter… whatever.  The point is that all of our emotions get stored in our bodies and we can use our bodies to move those emotions on through and raise our vibration or level of happiness. So i turn to my Free Hug friend and I say “I might go to that” knowing that I can learn from this person already doing what I am thinking about doing.  So we go… and its actually not what I had envisioned at all, however it was fun… so it met my criteria for the day… WWBFN?  But I did acknowledge that perhaps it was phrased as “Dance Therapy” because I was supposed to be there anyway.

So I’m driving home, reeling with energy from the hugs, the mediation, the sermon, and an hour of dancing and I think to myself, “what a waste it would be to take this energy home and not share it.”  Of course my inner critic had to chime in and suggest that I have plenty of food at home, and there’s no reason to go out and spend more at a restaurant.  But the rule is what the rule is, and going to Swingers, a great local diner, was definitely more fun.  There was a parking space right where I expected and i intuitively sat down at the counter.  Next to me was a guy ( drawing a rather amazing picture in a small 4×5 journal.  I began about my set task of writing all of my amazing friends back home who had so kindly put their names and addresses on postcards for me to mail to them on my travels and eventually he said, “Thank you notes?” in a mildly British accent.  As we began talking, and I shared of my journey and Sean’s creative work, I kept finding myself saying things like “its funny you should say that, because…” or “I was just talking to someone about that” and the entire meeting felt divinely ordered… (because it was).  In our short exchange, he not only gave me a very simple way for me to easily make BLISSfixTV an immediate reality, but he also ended up waking me up to the true meaning of creative expression and a re-countable definition of why I love being out here.

There are already a million positive videos on Youtube, but how do you find the positive ones… I can just place them on BLISSfixTV as I get my start, allowing that people can come straight to to get a pick-me-up.  I had been thinking I needed to do all the videos myself or that I needed to find people willing to create original art.  nope… there’s already plenty out there to begin and more will come once I’ve started it.  THANK YOU WILLIAM!
the true meaning of creative expression is when you don’t care about the result… when you could care less about what the critics might say, or whether or not anyone will buy it, applaud it or care… its when you are doing it for the sake of being in the creative moment and once you’re done, you have no use for the final product so you might as well sell it… put it in a gallery or burn it… whatever you do… it isn’t the thing that the artist becomes attached, it is the act for acts sake that is important.  This reminded me of stories that many of the famous artist we know and love threw away their work, not because they weren’t satisfied with it, but because the final product didn’t matter.  It also reminded me of how Joshua ____, the kid that the movie Finding Bobby Fisher was based on, lost his passion for chess when he began playing for someone other than himself, when it became about winning and not about learning, growing and challenging himself.
The reason people go places like LA, NYC, Paris, London, Tokyo to make a living instead of attempting to be a big fish in a small pond is because it is best to surround ourselves with the people we want to be like, because eventually we will become like them.  there used to be a quote from a former teacher of mine that said, “look at your five closest friends and you will see your boundaries.” “We don’t become better at tennis by playing a weaker opponent” William suggested, “we play someone better than us so we can then become better ourselves.”
I’m not saying that our small pond of Charlotte, NC doesn’t have wonderful people… everyone there is wonderful in their own right.  What I am saying is that everyone I’ve met out here has completely blown me away with their level of accomplishment and their way of life… and perhaps its just the people I’m gravitating toward and I can find these people just as easily everywhere else.  The musical talent at Agape is unlike I’ve ever seen… each service is a new musician or multiple musicians.  The other day I met a woman who looked my age, but had the most beautiful home in Topanga Canyon and had lived an amazing life as an architect traveling all over the world designing multi-million dollar buildings… she was now downsizing to take care of herself realizing that the glitz and glamour wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, but still… simply amazing.  She’d also created a movie on cancer and its preventable causes… and she is developing it into a full length feature to benefit children to make healthy choices with their bodies so they don’t experience what we’ve experienced in ignorance.  The guy who gave me these insights was by trade a mathematician, but by hobby he is a musician, actor, screenplay writer, author, artist, designer, and dreamer.  There was nothing this guy hadn’t done and he couldn’t have been more than five years older than me.
It seems that “tinsel town” has become a mecca for big dreamers, and creative expression seekers… and as we know, what we think about, we bring about.  What the difference really seems to be is that here people seem to use their free time creatively, and back home people seem to use their free time behind a TV or a bar.  For those of you in Charlotte reading this… if this doesn’t apply to you, please know that I recognize that in you and that’s why we’re friends… but for those of  you do see the difference I’m talking about, ask yourself these questions:  Are you living a life that fulfills you or are you settling in some way?  Do you love your job?  Do you love your living situation?  When was the last time I did something creative for the sake of doing it?  What did you love doing as a child and when was the last time you did that?  When was the last time you did something either great or small to leave this world a little bit better?  How about starting on one of these things now?

Some of you may not like my accusations of a more complacent lifestyle in Charlotte, and that’s ok.  Its okay because I’m not writing this to make you like me… I’m writing this in the hopes that maybe someone reading this will wake up and realize that they could be happier and start making the steps toward self-actualizing happiness instead of self-medicating with alcohol and brainwashing tv.  Wake up and feel alive again for the first time in years!  You don’t have to come to LA to do it either… you can do it right now!  And its even better if you tell a friend and get them to commit to a creative Friday night with you… something other than beers at Thomas St.  Okay, i love Thomas St. too, so maybe baby step that direction by having juice at Thomas St. and taking a paper and crayons and see how many people you can meet and make smile by drawing them a picture.  Even if your out of practice, I guarantee people will keep a kindergarten quality drawing from a funny, unique, alive individual like you!  Wake up and remember how fun life really is when you’re not buying into the bullhonky!  WAKE UP!  And when you do call me, because I’m going to need help waking up, too!

I love you all… just the way you are… asleep or awake, you are in the perfect place!  Your inner intuitive nudge is telling you what’s next… just listen.

November 25, 2008 at 4:26 am Leave a comment

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